Meat-y Matthew McConaughey
Stewie Griffin and I agree on many things, including that there are few things in this world that are less enjoyable than watching Matthew McConaughey act – but there are also few things in this world that are funnier than listening to him talk. Matt’s a bit like listening to President Bush give a speech with his toothbrush still in his mouth.
Thankfully, Matt’s lack of geopolitical muscle makes his goofiness fun and endearing – as opposed to the ghastly scary train-wreck vibe you get with the former – aka the self proclaimed ‘World’s Greatest Polluter’. And that’s why I’d like to nominate Matt McConaughey’s new ‘Beef, it’s what’s for dinner’ radio spots as the greatest bit of entertainment produced during this summer blockbuster season.
Why waste two hours on a film when Mr. McConaughey, beef’s newest pitchman, can make you laugh, cry and scratch your head all in a pair of thirty second radio spots?
Before we go too far – I present the ads:
Spot #1: Gone Eatin
Spot #2: Neighbors
So yeah, the ads are a little creepy. Matt’s using a bedroom voice to talk T-bones and the way he says ‘strip steak’ has ‘bad touch’ written all over it. And since we know he’s not wearing a shirt, the whole thing is at least a little weird.
The breathy voice and hard ‘B’ at the end of ‘tantalizing the entire suburB’ sounds like he’s talking funny to check your reaction time because he just slipped you a mickey and hopes it’s starting to kick-in. And I’m not even going to touch the part about ‘discover the power of protein in the land of lean beef.’
But that’s not the point – at least not to this simple-minded omnivore from Boston who, true to his Boston roots, centers all humor around making fun of people - because mockery, it’s what’s for humor!
Given that, I see these ads as a huge, gigantic, 42 ounce porterhouse sized gift from the Cattleman’s Beef Board to environmentalists and animal rights advocates everywhere who are concerned with the treatment of both our Earth and the pre-beef cattle. These ads are a big raw satire-steak just waiting to be grilled.
That is, it’s a huge gift if environmentalists and animal rights folks choose to unsaddle the high horse of condemnation and choose instead to do what feels right. And what should feel right in this instance is simply to poke vicious fun of good ol’ Matt and his breathy ode to beef. Because if Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have taught us anything, it’s that we Americans learn better by abusing each other than we do by studying dry facts or listening to impassioned speeches.
Now I’m no Colbert, but in the spirit of the game, I’ll take a crack at starting the process. I’ll then leave it to the rest of y’all to run with the concept. So, here’s my start:
Step 1:
Hire a guy who can do a good Matt McConaughey drawl – I recommend Matt Damon if he’s not too busy.
Step 2:
Have him take his shirt off. You can’t do Matt McConaughey with your shirt on – the vibe’s all wrong.
Step 3:
Re-write the script for the ads – something like this:
(For best results, please read in McConaughey voice)
Gone wastin’
You’ll see that sign a lot in the land of lean beef
Gone wastin’ water
Gone wastin’ grains that could feed poor kids
Gone wastin’ growth hormones and antibiotics
Nobody’s sure when they’ll be back from those feed lots of protein
But when they are, you can be sure they’ll be satisfied and the world will be a little warmer
Discover the power of waste when you go eatin' at the top of the food chain
Beef. It’s what’s for dinner….though hopefully not in China because then we’d really be screwed.
Step 4:
Post it on the YouTube and leverage The Google. Heck, even John McCain ‘watches’ the internet these day!
And remember – when you see those hickory smoke signals, that’s a sure sign it’s knucklehead season in the land of lean beef. Beef, it’s what’s for dinner …unless it’s not…in which case you’ll need to find something else to eat…though don’t bother looking for catfish, because there aint any…
by Peter Hughes
Also in Canned Spinach
